Verity Black (idreamofshoebox) wrote in juilliardhope,
Verity Black

  • Music:

Will I lose my dignity/Will someone care?

Well, I really screwed myself this time on the EoE auditions...I was the one before last person out of fifty to go, and started having a panic attack from the anxiety--complete with nausea, shivering, pulling hair, banging hands, mutilating clothing, etc. Then I had to vocalize in front of fifty people...and she was going so fast that I didn't have time to breathe and was almost belting and could get no higher than a high C sharp. I was so embarassed that my panic attack got worse and when our quartet started singing the song I was hyperventilating and breathing almost every measure. As soon as I was done singing I started crying in front of everyone....

This was my first singing audition, ever, unless you count the one to get into our school's advanced chorus. But that one was only in front of two people...fifty is an entirely different story.

I feel blasphemous too, for I sat on the street corner for thirty minutes afterward ripping up music and throwing it into the air....Then I was crying the entire way home so that I couldn't see the road. Once in a while I would close my eyes and pray that I would hit something, anything, and not have to live with this any more. Unfortunately, perhaps, that didn't happen and I went to my dad's office and he took me to the mall. I just HAD to be around strangers--I was not safe alone, but did not want to be with my family asking me "how did you do sweetheart" and then "oh honey i'm so sorry." Sympathy was...and is...the last thing that I want. It was refreshing to be around so many people that I did not know, disappearing in the sea of faces.

Maggie says that the stage fright will get better with each audition I do. I pray so, for otherwise there is no hope for me. My voice lesson teacher said that I was without a doubt good enough for Broadway, and possibly for Juilliard as well. But there is no way that I can do either of those if I don't get over this paralyzing fear.

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